ETIQUETTE OF THE STUDENT
ETIQUETTE OF THE STUDENT, by Ghazali
If you are a student, then the manners of a student with the teacher are: to be the first to greet and offer the salutation of peace; not to speak too much in his presence; not to speak unless asked something by the teacher; not to ask questions without first seeking permission; not to say, in contradiction to what he has said, “So-and-so said something different from what you say”; not to point out something contrary to his opinion, thinking oneself more learned than the teacher; not to whisper to another student in his gathering; to sit with good manners, eyes downcast as though in ritual prayer; not to burden him with questions when he is tired or weary; to stand when he stands out of respect; not to follow him from the gathering, talking to him and asking him questions; not to ask him questions on the way to his home until he reaches there and grants permission; and not to form a bad opinion of him regarding actions that appear, outwardly, to be blameworthy, for he knows better about his own personal affairs. Let the student recall the words of Moses to Khidr (peace be upon them both): “He said, ‘Have you made a hole [in the boat] to drown the owners of it? Indeed, you have done a peculiar thing!?” (Qur’an 18:71). Mistaken was he in his condemnation of Khidr’s actions, because he relied on their outward appearance.
THE ETIQUETTE OF THE CHILD WITH HIS PARENTS
If you have parents who are still alive, then the manners of the child with the parents are: to listen to what they say; to stand up when they stand (out of respect); to submit to doing what they say; not to walk ahead of them; not to raise your voice over theirs; to answer them when they call you; to be intent upon seeking their good pleasure; to lower to them the wing of humility; not to remind them of your goodness toward them, nor of the fact that you are taking care of their affairs for them; not to look at them askance; not to frown in their faces; and not to travel except with their consent.
Know that after the categories above, the rest of the people who have relations with you fall into three further categories: friends (and brothers), acquaintances, and people you do not know.
PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW
When you interact with people whom you do not know from the general public, the etiquette of sitting with them entails: avoiding getting into conversations or discussions; not getting too involved in their contentious or disquieting talk; disregarding what follows on from the bad things they say; being wary of meeting with them too often or getting into a position where you are in need of them; and calling their attention to their blameworthy actions with gentleness and sincerity when there is hope that they will accept what you say.
BROTHERS AND FRIENDS
Before entering into such a relationship, you must do two things:
THE FIRST DUTY
To check for the presence of the requisite qualities of companionship and friendship; for you should not take as a brother one who is not fit for brotherhood.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “A person’s religious life is only as good as that of his friend, so let each one of you consider well whom he befriends” (Tirmidhi 2378).
If you seek a companion to be your partner in learning and your friend in the matters of your religious life and your worldly life, look for five qualities in him:
1Intellect
There is no good in friendship with a foolish person, for such friendship will only end in estrangement and breaking off relations. This person may even harm you while intending to bring you benefit; for an intelligent enemy is sometimes better than a foolish friend. Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
“Do not befriend an ignorant person; let both you and him beware!
For how many an ignoramus has brought to ruin
a gentle forbearing man when he befriended him.”
A person is measured by the company he keeps, like one pair of shoes placed next to another.
Everything is evaluated by comparison to its peer;
A heart will reflect the reality of the heart it keeps company with.
2Good Character
Do not be friends with a person of bad character – that is, someone who cannot restrain his anger or control his desires.
Alqama al-utaridi (may Allah have mercy on him) summarized the traits of good character in the counsel he gave to his son when he was near to death:
“O my son, if you wish to befriend someone, take as your friend a person who, if you serve him, protects and preserves you; if you spend time with him, beautifies you by his company; and if you are in financial need, provides for you. Take as your friend one who, if you extend your hand toward something good, assists you in it; if he sees you do something good, appreciates and remembers it; but if he sees you doing something bad, stops you from doing it. Take as your friend one who, when you say something, believes you; when you attempt something, accepts your leadership; and if you should dispute about something, prefers you to himself.”
Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) said in poetic form:
“Verily, your true brother is he who is really with you,
Who will harm himself in order to benefit you,
And who, when the troubles of the time break you,
Will shatter himself to pieces in order to gather you together.”
3. Uprightness
Do not befriend a wrongdoer who persists in committing a major transgression, because someone who fears Allah would not persist in committing major transgressions. As for someone who does not fear Allah Most High, you cannot be safe from his danger. Indeed, such a person changes as his objectives change.
Allah, Mighty and Majestic, said to His Prophet, “Do not obey someone whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance, who follows his inclinations, whose case has gone beyond all bounds” (Qur’an 18:28). So, you must be wary of friendship with a wrongdoer, for witnessing wrongdoers and their transgressions on a regular basis will remove from your heart all sense of their enormity and make them seem insignificant. This is why the crime of backbiting has become acceptable to people’s hearts and is taken lightly. If people were to see a gold ring or a silk garment being worn by a religious jurist, they would strongly disapprove of it, yet backbiting is a much more serious offense than that.
4Absence of Greed
Do not befriend a person who is greedy for this ephemeral world. Friendship with someone who is greedy for this world is a lethal poison, for human nature is designed to imitate and follow by example. Indeed, one person’s nature may take from another without even realizing it. So, keeping company with one who is fervently attached to this world increases your own greed for it, while being with someone who has renounced this world will encourage your own renunciation of it.
5Honesty
Do not befriend a liar, for you will always face deception from him. He is like a mirage – he makes what is far seem near to you and what is near seem far. You may not find all these five qualities existing together in those who are residents in religious colleges, or those present in [spiritual] gatherings or mosques. So you have one of two choices: either opt for isolation and solitude, in which you will find peace and safety, or keep your interaction with your friends proportionate to the level of these qualities within them. This is accomplished by realizing that brethren are of three types:
• A brother for the sake of your Hereafter: seek from him only support in religious practices.
• A brother for the sake of your worldly life: seek from him nothing beyond good character.
• A brother who is simply agreeable company: seek from him nothing beyond being safe from his wickedness and evil.
There are three kinds of people:
• The first group is like nourishment: one cannot exist without it.
• The second is like medicine: one needs it from time to time.
• The third is like an illness: it is never needed at all, yet the servant may be afflicted by it. Such people provide neither benefit nor agreeable company. One must simply be diplomatic with them until one is relieved of them. Nevertheless, observing such a person may bring great benefit if Allah gives you the ability to see it; you see in his vices and always states what you find repugnant, and so you avoid these states. Indeed, the felicitous one is he who takes a warning from others, and the believer is the mirror of his fellow believer. It was said to Jesus (may Allah send blessings and peace on him and on our prophet), “Who refined your character?” He answered, “No one refined my character. I rather saw the poor behavior of the ignorant one and I avoided it.” Indeed, he (may Allah send blessings and peace on him and on our prophet) spoke the truth. For if people were to avoid in themselves what they find reprehensible in others, their characters would be refined without any need of a guide.
THE SECOND DUTY
To respect and fulfill the rights of companionship. Once you enter into a relationship, and friendship is established between you and your companion, you are responsible for fulfilling the duties demanded by that bond of friendship. And in fulfilling them, there are certain rules of conduct.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “The likeness of two brothers is that of two hands: one washes the other” (reported by al-‘Irâqi from Musnad al-Firdaws). He once entered a thick grove of trees and picked up two toothpicks, one bent, the other straight. With him was one of his Companions, and the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave the straight twig to him, keeping the bent one for himself. The Companion said, “O Messenger of Allah, you are more deserving of the straight stick than I!” So he said, “No one spends time in the company of a friend, even for a short time in the day, without being questioned later about his companionship – regarding whether he fulfilled the right of Allah Most High in it, or neglected to do so” (Tafsir al-Tabari 5:53).
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) also said, “No two friends share each other’s company, except that the kinder and more caring of the two toward the other is more beloved to Allah, Mighty and Majestic” (similar in Tabarani, Al-Mujam al-Awsat).
The Etiquette of Friendship
The etiquette of friendship are: to give (your friend) preference in your wealth, or, if you cannot do this, to give freely out of your surplus wealth when he is in need; to provide swift assistance when he is in need, in person and without his having to request it; to keep his secrets; to conceal his faults; not to pass on people’s criticism of him that would upset him; not to pass on people’s praise of him that would please him; to pay full attention when he speaks; not to pick apart his words [in argumentation]; to call him by the names he likes most; to praise him for what you know of his praiseworthy traits; to thank him for the favors he does for you; to defend him in his absence from all infringements upon his honor as you would defend yourself; to give him advice with gentleness and by subtle hints if he needs it; to pardon his slips and errors, and not to censure him; to pray for him in the ritual prayer, during his life and after his death; to remain loyal to his family and relatives after his death; to choose to make things easy for him by not burdening him with any of your own needs, so as to keep his heart free from your concerns; to express joy at all the happy occasions in his life and sadness at all calamities that afflict him; to be in your innermost heart just as you appear outwardly, so that you are truly sincere in your love for him, in private and in public; to be the one who initiates the greeting of peace when you meet him; to make room for him to sit in a gathering; to come out of the house to welcome him; to see him off when he leaves; to keep quiet while he is talking until he finishes, and to refrain from interrupting him.
In short, you should treat your friend exactly as you would like to be treated. For truly, the brotherhood of a person who does not love for his brother what he loves for himself is mere hypocrisy and will have evil consequences for him both in this world and the Hereafter.
These are the courtesies due to people in general that you do not know, and to those close friends who are your brothers.
ACQUAINTANCES
The third category is that of acquaintances. Be cautious of them, because you will not encounter antagonism except from people you are acquainted with. A true friend will help you, and someone you do not know at all will not trouble you. All the animosity you encounter, then, will come from your acquaintances, who express their friendship only with their tongues. You should therefore limit your acquaintances as much as possible.
If you have to socialize with acquaintances in school, the central mosque, the local mosque, the market, or in the city, you must not belittle any of them, for you do not know, they may be better than you. At the same time, you must not look at them with an eye of reverence because of their position in the world, as this could ruin you. In the sight of Allah, this world, together with everything in it, is small and insignificant. Whenever your heart regards as great the people of worldliness, you have declined in the sight of Allah Most High.
You must take care not to offer them your religion in order to attain what they have of this world. No one ever does so without being diminished in their eyes and, moreover, ending up deprived of what they have.
If they show you enmity, do not return their enmity, for you will never have the patience to fully requite them. You will end up losing your religion in animosity toward them, and your difficulties with them will be long and drawn out.
Do not relax and let your guard down with them when they honor you, and be wary of them when they praise you to your face or show affection for you. If you were to look into the reality of the situation, you would find that only one in a hundred of them [is sincere]. Do not expect them to treat you the same way in private as they do in public. Do not be surprised if they slander you in your absence. Do not get angry with them, because if you are fair and honest, you will find that you act the same way – even with your friends and your relatives, indeed, even with your teachers and your parents. For you mention about them in their absence what you do not say to their faces.
Do not covet their money or status, or hope for their support. The covetous person, in most cases, fails in the end to get what he wanted, and in the present is most certainly humiliated.
If you ask one of your acquaintances to do something for you, and he does it, thank Allah Most High, and thank the person, too. If he does not manage to do it, do not rebuke him nor complain about it lest enmity develop. Rather, be like the believer, seeking out excuses for his brother, and not like the hypocrite, who searches for faults. Say, “Perhaps he was unable to do it for some reason I am not aware of.”
Do not admonish any of them unless you first see in him a willingness to accept it, lest he refuse to hear it from you and turn against you. If one of them has made a mistake in some matter and arrogantly refuses to take advice from anyone, do not teach them, for they may derive benefit from your knowledge and yet become your enemy – except when they have committed an act of disobedience in ignorance, in which case you should remind them of the truth gently, without being harsh.
If you see that they have done you an act of generosity or goodness, thank Allah who has caused them to love you. But if you see something malicious from them, leave them to Allah, Mighty and Majestic. Seek His protection from their harm, and do not censure them, nor say to them, “Don’t you know who I am?” or “I am So-and-So, the son of So-and-So,” or “I am a very knowledgeable person.” This is the speech of fools, and the most foolish person is one who deems himself upright and praises himself.
You should know that Allah, Mighty and Majestic, would not give them power over you except because of some sin you committed in the past. So seek Allah’s forgiveness for your sin and realize that it is a punishment for you from Him.
Be among them as one who hears the true things they say and turns a deaf ear to their falsehoods, one who speaks about their good qualities and remains silent about their shortcomings.
Be wary of associating with the pseudo-jurists of your time, especially those who busy themselves with differences of opinion and disputation, for they will just be waiting for a disastrous turn of fortune to strike you out of envy. They will make conclusive judgments about you based on negative supposition and will wink at one another about you [behind your back]. If you keep their company, they take account of your every slip, then confront you with them all when they are angry or during a debate. They do not help you when you stumble, forgive you when you slip, nor cover up any fault you may have. They take you to account over the most trivial, insignificant things, and envy you over [every blessing, great or small]. They incite your brothers against you by tale-bearing, gossiping, and false accusation. If they seem pleased with you, outwardly they are all flattery; if they get angry, they reveal a deep inward resentment. They are externally clothed, but within they are wolves.
This is the conclusion one comes to about them after observing the majority of them, except those whom Allah Most High protects. To keep their company is to incur loss, and close association with them leads to utter failure.
If this is the judgment of one who affects friendship outwardly, what then of one who openly shows his enmity to you? Take the advice of the one who said:
“Be cautious of your enemy once,
Yet be wary of your friend a thousand times;
For it may be that the friend will turn [against you], And then knows better how to harm you.”
It has been similarly said:
“Your enemy may sometimes come from your friends,
So do not have too many friends!
For most of the diseases that you see,
Have their origins in eating and drinking.”
And be as Hilal ibn al-Ala’ al-Ragqi said:
“When I forgave all and harbored no rancor toward any;
I relieved myself of the worry of enmity.
Indeed I give good greetings to my enemy upon seeing him,
So as to repel evil with salutations,
I display joy in meeting one I despise,
As if he has filled my heart with happiness.
I am not even safe with those I do not know;
How then could I be safe with those who affect loving me?
People are an illness and their cure is abandoning them.
By harshness toward them, the bonds of brotherhood are cut.
So make peace with people, and you will be safe from the troubles they cause,
And be avid to acquire chivalrous traits;
Deal with people with good character, and be patient as long as you remain with them;
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil; be circumspect.
And as some of the sages have said: Meet your friend and your enemy with the same face, one of contentment, neither lowering yourself to them nor humiliation, nor looking up to them in awe. Have a dignified bearing without arrogance, and show humility without abasement. Take the middle course in all your matters because both extremes in any matter are blameworthy. Do not look around from side to side (with self-conceit), nor constantly glance behind you. Do not stop and talk to every group you come across, and if you do sit down with them, do not sit in a restless manner. Make sure you avoid clasping your fingers together, playing with your beard or ring, picking your teeth, putting your finger up your nose, a lot of spitting or clearing your throat, swatting flies away from your face, and too much stretching or yawning, whether in front of people, in the ritual prayer, or elsewhere. Rather, let the way you sit be quiet and calm, and your speech orderly and thought out well. Pay proper attention to the good conversation of the one speaking to you, without showing exaggerated amazement, and do not ask him to repeat himself. Remain silent when people are joking and telling stories. Do not speak about how proud you are of your children, your poetry, your mode of expression, your literary work, or other matters personal to you.
Do not go to great lengths to dress yourself up as a woman does, nor let yourself be unkempt and unruly, like a slave. Avoid wearing too much kohl (in your eyes) or being extravagant in your use of oil. Do not insist upon having your needs met. Do not encourage anyone else to commit oppression. Do not inform your children or anyone of the amount of your wealth, for if they consider it to be little, you will be of little importance to them, and if it is a lot, you will never satisfy them. Be strict with them without being harsh, and be lenient with them without being weak. Do not joke around with your male or female servants, or your dignity will be lost.
In arguments with others, guard against your own ignorance and rashness. Consider well your points before you make them. Do not gesticulate too much, keep turning around to look at those behind you, or fall to your knees. Speak only when your anger has abated. If the ruler tries to befriend you and bring you close, be with him as you would with the sharp edge of a spearhead. Beware of the fair-weather friend, for he is the worst of enemies. And do not value your wealth more than your honor.
This amount of advice should be enough for you, dear young one, at the beginning of the path of guidance. Experiment with it on yourself. It has three sections: a section on acting in obedience [to Allah], a section on refraining from disobedience, and a section on relationships with creation. Taken together, these three elements fully encompass the servant’s interactions with the Creator and His creation.
If you see it relevant to you and you find your heart inclining toward it and desiring to act upon it, then know that you are a servant whose heart Allah has illuminated with true faith, and whose breast has been expanded to accept it.
And be absolutely certain that this beginning has an end, and behind it are spiritual secrets, depths of understanding, types of knowledge, and unveilings. We have explained these matters in the Revival of the Religious Sciences, so make an effort to study it.
If, on the other hand, you find that your lower self considers these tasks too burdensome and regards this kind of knowledge as too much trouble, asking you, “How will this type of knowledge benefit you in the gatherings of scholars? When will it cause you to excel among your colleagues and peers? How will it raise your status in the meetings of leaders and ministers? How will it afford you connections [with noteworthy figures], [higher] earnings, and positions of rank in endowments or in the legal courts?” – know, then, that Satan has misguided you and caused you to forget your destiny, which is to return [to Allah] and your final abode [in the Hereafter]. So find a devil like yourself to teach you what you think will bring you to your goal. And know with certainty that any dominion [you may have] in your immediate locality, let alone in your town or country, will never be without troubles. Moreover, in exchange, you will lose the everlasting dominion and eternal bliss in the proximity of the Lord of the Worlds.
He is enough for us, and the Best of Patrons. All praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. May Allah continue to send blessings and abundant peace upon our Master Muhammad, his Family, and Companions, until the Day of Judgment.
